Wednesday, April 25, 2012

{funny quotes, part two}

It's time for another installment of hilarity. If you're new to the game, check out {part one} of my funny quotes to get started.

This particular batch is from 2005, a part of my life when I was deeply entrenched in the theatre world. (Ahh... I miss it). So I apologize if you don't find theatre humor particularly funny. I think it's hilarious, so here we go!


Tracking a package online:
Andrew: Track that number and tell me why it’s not out for delivery yet.
Arun: Because the driver didn't come in today because he got trashed last night because his girlfriend dumped him and he's really depressed and so they don't have anyone to deliver your package. Why do you have to be so harsh on the guy?
Andrew: Well I didn't realize he just got dumped, my tracking page didn't say that.

Me: Mom, your bracelet is tacky.
Mom: What?! No, these are back in style now, aren’t they?? They better be... I saved this thing from 1976!

Reading a vanity plate on the car in front of us:
Me: “75&Sunny.”
Remi: I’m partial to 75 and slightly overcast.
Me: I don’t think that would fit on a license plate...

Me: How many roommates do you have?
Khoa: Nine.
Me: Nine?!
Khoa: Minus six.


Written in our guest book:
“I must thank you guys greatly for providing me respite on my journey. If the following should happen to me, I will leave it to you to carry out my wishes:

If I: 1) Get attacked by a bear – see A)
2) Catch fire – see B)
3) Get married – see C)

A) Avenge my death
B) Put me out
C) See A)”

Byron: My birthday is next Thursday!
Me: Yay!
Byron: I’m turning 657.
Me: Wow, you look good for your age! What have you learned from 600 years on earth?
Byron: That if people had only listened to me, the Dodo Bird wouldn’t be extinct right now.

Backstage at the start of a show:
Me: Ken, do you have everyone in places backstage?
Ken: Let me check. I’m going off headset to count actors.
David: Is that how you fall asleep at night?

Playing trivial pursuit:
Me: “What is inside corn that makes it pop?”
Khoa: Sperm.

Flipping through channels on tv and stopping on a football game:
Jen: Who's playing?
Rachel: Ummmm... Missing in Action, and Tuberculosis.
Jen: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's Miami and Tampa Bay.

Talking about my 15 hour weekdays:
Khoa: I’m going to take your schedule to the Senate and use it to filibuster.

Driving to school
Byron: And green light...go.
Me: Wow, how did you do that?!
Byron: I have the Force.
Me: Cool, can you open doors with the Force, too?
Byron: Why, yes. Usually at supermarkets.

On headset during a show:
Andrew: That painting on stage is crooked.
Linh: Oh, yeah? Did you ever think maybe it’s the wall that’s crooked, and the painting that’s straight?
Mary: This is theatre... nothing is straight.

Andrew: I associate people by the car they drive.
Mary: But I don’t have a car...
Andrew: Sucks for you!

Talking about majors:
Lauren: You pronounce it ZOH-ology! If it were ZOO-ology it would have three o’s!
Mary: Um, Lauren, zoology does have three o’s...

Jim: See that store there? It’s a new chain that’s catching on... apparently it’s going to be all the rage in a few years.
Jacob: ...Are you pointing to the Starbucks...?!

Me: Are you sick or something?
Stuart: Yeah, this sore throat makes me sound like a man.

Looking at the Fitness Center at the hotel:
Khoa: I like how “Fitness Center” means “tread mill.”

Looking through our theatre program:
Khoa: Look, it says the Alzheimer’s Clinic contributed to the theatre. I wonder if they remember how much they donated.

Terri: I need some strong boys with flat shoes to help move tables!
Khoa: As opposed to strong boys in high heels?

Looking at a document I wrote on his laptop:
Andrew: Has this been saved?
Byron: I don’t know. Was it baptized? AHAHAHAHA!

Seeing geese in the road:
Stuart: Look, Canada geese! And they’re called Canada geese, not Canadian geese, contrary to popular belief.
Me: Right. You’ll know the Canadian geese because they’re the ones going, “honk, eh?”

While sailing:
Andrew: Ahoy, mateys! Tighten up the mainsheet! Load the long-shot cannon!
Me: But captain, I have forgotten the long-shot cannon!
Andrew: Begin Captain’s log: Day one. First mate Brittany has forgotten the long-shot cannon. We have thrown her overboard.

Me: Well aren’t you special.
Andrew: Yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.
Me: I wasn’t noticing. I was being sarcastic.
Andrew: Well, I took your sarcasm and turned it into awesomeness.

Khoa: Sweating is against my religion. We had rehearsal outside today for three hours and I felt like I had to go to confession afterwards.

Shopping at Staples:
Me: Look! They sell those “That Was Easy” buttons, like on the commercial!
That-Was-Easy Button: That was easy! That was easy! That was easy!
Andrew: Stop pushing that! I hate that slogan, it’s so annoying!
(two minutes later)
Me: I found the index cards you wanted. Is that all you need?
Andrew: Yeah, cool. That was easy.
Me: BAHAHAHAHA!
Andrew: Shut up.

Lying out by the pool in all his clothes:
Tony: I’m working on my farmer’s tan.

Katherine: It's 11:00pm... too late to go home and vacuum now; my apartment complex has quiet hours. But the people who live below me are old and can't hear anything, so maybe I can defy the rules and clean anyway!!
Brandy: I love that for you, being rebellious is vacuuming after ten.

Susan: Did you manage to get some sleep?
Me: Some. I had like three phone calls at 9 am.
Susan: Aren't we popular.
Me: Not really, my mom is just persistent.

On headset, during a run of a theatre show:
Me: Have you seen Jessie’s costume yet? It’s really sparkly!
Meghan: The costumers gave her more boobs today, too.
Scott: What, like now she has four?

Realtor: You know the hardest thing about being a real estate agent? Fighting the desire to steal cool things that people have in their house.
Diane: What?!
Realtor: Bet you didn’t think I’d say THAT, did you!

While driving:
Khoa: Wow, that car was in my blind spot...
Stuart: Blind spot, meet Khoa. Khoa, blind spot.
Khoa: Hello, blind spot. Didn’t see you there.

Stuart: Last time I saw a Cirque du Soleil show one of the performers waved at me from the stage! Me: How do you know he was waving at you?
Stuart: Because I waved first!

Reading a sign outside the hotel elevator: “In case of fire use stair.”
Me: Use stair?! There’s only one stair?
Jacob: Personally, I think it should say, “in case of fire, use slide.” That would be way more fun.

Watching the World Cup games:
Jacob: I always cheer for who’s losing. I’m a poor weather friend.

While mock-arguing:
Khoa: You can’t use guilt against me!!
Me: I can too; that’s my superhero power!
Khoa: Using guilt doesn’t make you a superhero. It makes you a woman.

Watching Law and Order:
Khoa: I don’t want to ever be on trial by jury. Then you’re being judged by 12 people who aren’t even smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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