{funny quotes, part one}

I'm a fan of sites like texts from last night or damn you autocorrect, because sometimes life makes the best stand up comedy. After writing up the eleven fun facts about me last week, I realized that I have a whole 160 pages of funny friend quotables to share, in true "text from last night" fashion.

When I was in college and hung around with ridiculously hilarious theatre people all day, I used to take note of the funny things they said and would post them on my AIM profile every week. (Yeah, remember AIM profiles? This was in a world "pre-Facebook"... as if such a thing could exist!) It became a running joke among my friends, and something of a competition -- it was a coveted honor to be clever enough to make it to the quotes board. Often, when others said something funny and thought I hadn't heard, they would reiterate, "that's going on the profile!!"

I'm pretty observant, though, so not a whole lot gets past me, especially when it leaves me doubled over in laughter. Some of these are too funny not to repeat, so I've decided to share them (in chunks, of course... I wouldn't want to post all 160 pages in one post!) with you. This round encompasses some highlights from 2004-2005. You might even remember some of these quotes yourself if you knew me at the time.... But even if you didn't know me, I think everyone can appreciate the humor of these. Maybe someday I'll even compile a coffee table book. Just for kicks.

Talking about the horror movie “The Village”
Byron: The whole time I was expecting to see Haley Joel Osment suddenly come running across the screen.
Khoa: (whispering) “I see the Village people!”

"It’s hard to look manly when drinking a thick smoothie through a straw."
- Shaun

While focusing lights:
Cailen: Can you turn the light toward me?
Shaun: Hang on, I have to tighten it down first. This light is very promiscuous.
Cailen: It’s promiscuous?
Shaun: Well, it’s really loose!

Julie: If I can’t find a job after this internship is over, I think I might move to Chicago.
Nicole: Really, Julie?! I’m moving to Chicago, too!
Julie: Did I say Chicago? I meant New York.

"I didn’t like my graduating class. Can I go to someone else’s high school reunion? I can just walk up to random people and be like, “OH MY GOD HI I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER, HOW ARE YOU? I LOVE YOUR HAIR!”
- Julie

While watching a DUI check point:
Brittany: Why does the police officer have a manual? Does he have to figure out what ticket to give this guy?
Sean: Yeah, it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure book... “You are caught driving drunk and you are under 21. Turn to page 83.”

Standing outside class:
Rachel: I think I must have ADD or something. Hey wait, I think that person’s in my economics class... Okay, sorry. What was I talking about?

"I’m going to make my own construction dating website. Nail a Carpenter.com"
- Joey

Prof. Ludington: I like to give my students extra points, so for this quiz all you have to do is label England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland on the map.
Student: You are a GOD!!
Prof. Ludington: Thanks, I know.

Talking about our guy friends:
Rachel: They’re all such good boys... if only they would sit still and listen to me.
Brittany: Yeah, but then they'd be girls.

At work, lifting a giant window upright:
David: Let’s Iwo Jima this thing into place.

While loading up a U-Haul
Corky: (to David) Is someone in the back of the truck?
Andrew: (voice from within) Hey, awesome! You left me an air hole!
Corky: I guess that answers that question.

"Once, when I was in college, I wrote part of my friend’s sociology paper when he was away from his typewriter... do you all know what a typewriter is?"
- Professor Greene

Khoa: I need a cigarette.
Brittany: That’s lip balm.
Khoa: So?
Brittany: You’re going to smoke lip balm..?
Khoa: Does it bother you?

Playing poker on a team with Rachel and Andrew:
Brittany: I don’t like my group anymore!! One has big boobs and the other won’t stop talking!
Andrew: Yeah, Rachel, shut up!

While at Disney World:
Rachel: If this rollercoaster doesn’t spin, Jeff, will you wear it?
Jeff: I dunno, the color doesn’t really suit me...
Rachel: I meant RIDE it. Stop laughing. You’re all going to hell.
Ross: I don’t think that word is Disney World appropriate...

Trying to go to the bathroom in Italy at Epcot:
Brittany: That was fast. Did you go already?
Jeff: No. I don’t know which door to go into. Am I Signore or Signori??

Ross: Skida marinki dinki dink... what was that show called? The one with the Elephant?
Brittany: "The Elephant Show," Ross.

Walking in the dark to the beach:
Courtney: I'm in a play at school. I got cast as a Banshee...
(the boys jump out of the bushes to scare us)
Courtney: AHHHHHHH!
Brittany: Sounds like you have the part down pretty well.

"Corky’s strange like that. He’ll go to the gym and work out for an hour every day, but he’ll drive 50 times around the parking lot looking for a spot that’s closer to the door."
- David

Watching the elite eight basket ball games:
Natalie: I wish I could jump that high...
Her mom: What?! Did you just say you wanted to jump that guy?!
Natalie: No! That high!
Her mom: OH, okay. I thought I raised you better than to say that. You wait until they go pro... THEN you can jump him.

Daniel: The mosquitoes in Minnesota were terrible, but I hear the bugs on the Appalachian Trail are worse.
Brittany: Yeah, they’re called bears.

While playing Categories:
     Katherine: Category is: state capitals.
     Tony: Ottawa!

     Jeff: Category is: famous sports stars.
     Meghan: Sammy Davis Jr!

     Gregor: Category is: types of shoes.
     Casey: Anne Frank!
     Jessie: Did she think he said Jews?

While at work:
Corky: How did your exams go? I bet you have a 4.0, don’t you?
Brittany: No, 3.9.
Corky: You’re a total loser. (As his boss Gene walks through) See how I encourage my students?
Gene: I’m surprised they still work for you.
Corky: Me too!

"Aww... you're both shaking your heads at me. It's like surround sound disappointment."
- Rachel

Talking online:
Khoa: Maybe I'll go out and buy the Godfather trilogy. Oh wait, ah! It's $52! Man, I was hoping for something I could pull out of my pocket like....hmmm...(digging)… four cents.
Brittany: Well, only $51.96 to go!! Search more pockets!!
Khoa: I've tried! The police said no more.

Brittany: What movie do you want to see?
Andrew: The premiere of Alien versus Predator versus Terminator versus Brittany.
Brittany: Verses me?!
Andrew: Yeah. You’ll lose, by the way.

While telling a story:
Shane: ...so they blew on the kazoos without humming, and when it didn’t make a noise, they said, “it’s broken! Mine’s broken!”
Brittany: Haha wow, talk about your sheltered childhood! I don’t think I’ve met anyone before who didn’t know how a kazoo worked.
Melissa: What’s a kazoo?
Brittany: I stand corrected.
Melissa: Is it like a water gun?

Andrew: You seem to be worrying about things before they are problems.
Brittany: Welcome to being a woman.

Courtney: Watch the UNC men’s game tonight, I might be on TV.
Brittany: They won't show you, the stadium is too big.
Courtney: They will show me. Because I will be going, “AHHHHH!” And they will be like, “tape her, she’s awesome.”

Talking online:
Shane: I need to learn to cook more. I can only make deserts.
Brittany: Really? Like the Sahara? That's pretty impressive. I tried to make the Gobi Desert once, but it didn't turn out quite right. I think it needed more salt.
Shane: I hate you.